And this is why I don’t sleep..

If you were to open my mind and attach it to some sophisticated medical devices, you would see something similar to a war going on between two countries. And proper war protocols are followed. There’s occasional shelling during the day but night is when the action happens.

The only casualty of this war is my sleep. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time we were together for more than 3 hours and without any distractions. If I were to quote a relationship analogy, I would say my sleep is like that girlfriend who is always busy, withdrawn when we are together and wants to leave as soon as possible. If only, I could make up to her and re-kindle our romance from childhood days. Dear Sleep, if you’re reading this, I am sorry. I am not giving up on you. Please come back, I’ve changed. Things would be different.

Wouldn’t you do anything for a good peaceful night’s sleep. So tighten the reign on your judgmental thoughts. Besides it’s not like things are that worse between us. My sleep does visit me but then I am involved in other things. So you see it’s just a difference of time zone. 🙂

By the way, when the war is being fought, I can literally feel the exchange of bullets, shells and bombs from both sides. One side launches a thought, other launches a counter thought, both strike mid brain, lead to a conflict of forces and a lot sparks fly in terms of stress, anxiety and headache. Imagine the scene, from the movie Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows Part 2, where Mr. Potter and Lord Voldemort point their wands at each other and launch a strike by reciting a series of magic spells, each more lethal than the previous. Avada Kedavra!

I wish I could narrate the events leading to this war in form of a book or a documentary. Something similar to the ones featuring World Wars. How cool it would be to see it in form of a map and war veterans recollecting their experience, with those short war videos and images sprinkled in between. I can even have a post-war museum dedicated to it. 😀

Like all wars, this one would end too and I and my sleep could finally get back to our lives. Dear Sleep, please hold on to that love we once shared. Things will get better. Be strong.

All for The Pursuit of Happiness. :/

Hmm..

Going by the articles, blogs and what not media available on the internet, it seems next to impossible, for a constant worrier like myself, to have good and healthy relationships. It seems as if everything that can go wrong will go wrong and I’ll end up alone.

Where does it end? Where does one draw the line? How does one judge the direction in which the relationship is going? And when the mind is racing, at 200 km/hr, with negative scenarios and you’re told to be positive. It feels like you’re being asked to put sudden breaks to your Ferrari, assuming it can go to that speed. Ultimate recipe for a crash, don’t you think so.

Let’s say, if by a miracle, one finds that positive ground to stand on. The moment you step on it, you know its not right. You know it’s shaky and that it can come down any moment. And come down it does, the moment the erstwhile Ferrari of thoughts passes by. All for being positive.

At times, forming and maintaining an emotional bond seems such a humongous task that it feels better to be alone. And not to forget that thin line of emotional dependency. Once crossed, you can most certainly say good bye to your peace of mind. Look look..there it goes. Tata! Adios!

You can talk about it all you want, try all the meditation in the world, speak to yourself those positive self-affirmations, visualise pictures of a beautiful future and much more. They work but only for the time being. They’re like pain killers. They will subside the pain but not treat the root cause of it.

Honestly, don’t even get me started on finding the root cause. That’s another beast altogether. You walk into your psyche with a magnifying glass, in search of that little fellow, hiding in a warm corner of your brain sitting cozily somewhere. What you find instead is a pandora’s box. At this point, you’re too far off in the process to heed to any warnings so you happily open it. Only to unleash more misery upon yourself. BOOM! Oh! You’ll be missed peace of mind. RIP.

A word about communication. Even a naive relationship advisor would confirm that communication is the key to a happy relationship. But what they won’t tell you is how much is sufficient? What should you reveal, at what point and what you shouldn’t? What to do if you feel like you’re communicating too much? A piece of advise, there’s nothing you can do about it except accepting the fact that the information is already gone. I know that feeling sucks but hey whats the worst that could happen. 🙂

Sometime back I read an article that said that when going into a relationship help other person in understanding you, don’t just expect them to know what’s in your mind. Something akin to drawing up an instruction manual about yourself. Great isn’t it! But it did not say what to do when you’re the only one believing this stuff. :/

If you’ve reached till here and are thinking, “Dude! You’re overthinking. Take a chill pill.” I am totally with you on this. We’re on the same page. I concur. Trust me, I do not challenge your opinion. I second that. You couldn’t be more right. You’re right my friend. Okay. Okay. I’ll stop. I value your opinion. I think you understand me. You got that correct. Oh! My God..how did you know!

Well, take a chill pill buddy and let’s hmmm. For now, that’s all we can do. 🙂

The Fear Slaying Warrior

When the darkness of night surrounds me and fears cloud my mind, it seems impossible to believe that any good is left in this world. The voice of fears sound as if they are real. Speaking to me as if they’ve hypnotised me.

Everywhere I look I see evil. Slowly my breaths gain pace as if they want to run away from me. My body feels like it’s gripped by some tight force and my head starts to throb with pain like it’s going to explode.

I don’t know why or how I got here but I am here. Standing in the darkness of night and darkness of mind, alone. Alone, for this is how this war must be fought. Besides no one would understand what’s going within me when they see my calm exterior. This is how life is. Each of us might be fighting a war within, worse than anything human race has ever seen, yet to world it appears as if all is hail and hearty.

At this point, words like positivity and negativity seem just that, words. For there’s me and there’s fears, facing each other, ready to pounce, and only one of us is coming out of it alive.

Consider fears as white walkers. Even if you kill them they come back. They can only be beaten by the Dragonglass. I wonder what would be my dragonglass? Faith? Good memories? God? Universe? None. The only weapons I need to fight this out are my will, the strength to endure whatever comes and acceptance.

It’s almost funny when you think why fears exist in the first place. To help us avoid getting hurt, physically and mentally. But, at times, end up hurting us even more. And let me tell you the fear of mental pain is thousand times worse than any other kind of fear.

So the question still remains, who is going to win this war, me or fears?