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White. I was feeling White that night, as I sat beside her, on that bench, trying to make smoke rings out of my condensed winter breath. The temperature outside was 4 degrees. Thick dense fog and the darkness of that Winter night had covered us from the naked eye. We were holding hands, neither one of us willing to let go. For that moment time had stopped.
I looked into her eyes. I saw our love, happiness, dreams of a wonderful life, laughs, silly fights and the wave of despair that swept everything away with it. Mine must have been conveying the same things because tears welled up in our eyes as we realized that the day had come to an end and with it the time to part had arrived.
I wanted to break the eye contact but she looked beautiful, and even more so under the moonlight in that white Indian dress. How could I take my eyes off her? How could I muster the strength to accept that the dawn of that dusk would be without her? The night’s coldness had turned my heart brittle for I felt it, as each piece of my broken heart escaped out of my body.
She must have sensed my agony as she came close and hugged me. It evaporated whatever shred of strength was left in my body. I held on to her like a drowning man. Like that we sat, for about half an hour. She broke the hug, held my hands and said, “Tomorrow when you’ll wake up, for a moment you’ll feel that everything is fine and then the truth will hit you. It’ll hit you hard and it’ll sting like anything. This will repeat for days. But you will live through it. You will find the strength. As days pass, I’ll start fading from your memory. Soon you’ll forget how I looked, my likes, dislikes. You’ll get used to my absence. Life will become easy again.“. Her words were accompanied by tears.
I could see the pain in her eyes. If it was hard for me, it must have been really difficult for her to do this. She composed herself and continued, “Promise me one thing. Even if one day you forget me, you’ll always remember the reason why you loved me. That reason will help you find who you are in the darkest of hours. As long as you promise to do this I’ll be at peace knowing that you are fine.” With this she broke down and hugged me again. We let ourselves go and cried.
About an hour after that we said our final goodbye. I lost her to the foggy darkness as she walked away from me. Few minutes later, I got the energy to lift myself up and walk home. It was freezing outside and the chill of that winter breeze seemed to cut through my skin. I was shivering.
As I walked home, I recalled the events that had happened earlier that day. I had gone to the doctor’s clinic to collect my report. After handing over the reports he asked me to sit down. His face turned serious as he told me that I was suffering from Schizophrenia and that she doesn’t exist.